growing up

I turn 20 in a little less than a month. As the date gets closer, the more I proceed to freak out. How did time go by so quickly? I still mentally identify as fifteen years old so this will be a hard transition for me. I loved being a teenager. Being a teenager means you’re young, and not truly accountable for anything. Cliche, but I don’t want to grow up! Your twenties are no joke. You graduate college. You get married in your twenties. You have your first kid in your twenties. Your first “real” job. Your parents get older. And then the scariest thought of all; what if none of it works out for you? What if you never get married? What if you get sick? What if you find out you can’t have kids? What if you never find a job you love? What if your life ends up a shit-show? I know I shouldn’t spend so much time thinking about negative life possibilities, but it’s so hard not to.  I’ve made it through my teens unscathed, and I’m happy with my life. I obviously dealt with the hurdles thrown at me, but in the grand scheme of things were those just baby hurdles? I remember hearing that everything gets worse with age. Right now I have my whole life ahead of me. What will I live for when I’m older? Clearly this upcoming birthday has triggered a life crisis.

I wish I didn’t fear the unknown so much. Maybe things will only go up from here. I’m just so afraid that I’ve peaked. High School was a great experience for me. So many people talk about how they hated every second of it, but I loved HS. I made friends I still consider some of my best friends. It helped mold me into the woman I am today. I LOVED college even more. I never want to graduate. Everyone claims it’s the best four years of your life, and I totally see that being true. I made so many new friends. Learned so many new things. Grew into the person I’ve always wanted to be. How can I leave this beautiful life behind for the unknown and not freak out. I don’t want the best four years of my life to be over. I want every year to be better than the previous one. My heart physically aches when I think about all the times I will never get to live again.

I know it’s not that serious. All my friends are like 23 years old. They’re all doing okay. They’ve survived. I’ve always been the young friend though, and this is a turning point for me. What freaks me out most though is that I was supposed to have a plan by now. I have 0 things figured out. I’ve been coasting my way through college hoping some master life plan would fall down from the heavens. When you’re little you have this plan for your life: engaged by 22 (I’m brown), married by 23, kids by 25, CEO by 30. LOL AMIRIGHT. There is no way in hell this plan is going to work out for me. I’ve never had a boyfriend. Kids freak me out. I have $0 to start a company. I can’t even get a job at whole foods (they rejected me once). I feel like I’m so young, except I’m not anymore! I’m supposed to be an Adult. Will it be like this forever? Will I be 50 years old with the mind of a 16 year old? Will I be the weird aunty who is always trying to act young?!?!

I was stressing about turning 20 to my dad the other day and he laughed at me. Laughing that I was scared to turn 20. And he’s right. I’m scared for now but what about later. I’ve never thought about turning 30? 50? 80? What does that feel like. I need to start taking care of myself better holy shit. I’m LOSING MY YOUTH. HELLO WRINKLES. HELLO FAT CLOGGED ARTERIES.

Some days it’s an exciting thought. The world is full of possibility. What if I make it big. What if I get to travel the world with my husband, who is hopefully my best friend. What if I have a kid who wins the national spelling bee. I hope the best for my life, as I hope the best for everyone’s life. What if this is just the beginning?

This year for my birthday I’m planning a Karaoke night. I’m looking forward to it. Regardless of how freaked I may seem in this post I actually love birthday’s more than anything. I love my birthday. I love my friends birthdays. I love balloons, flowers, birthday cards, the whole shebang. I love making people feel special. They’re a day celebrating YOU! As someone who loves attention, birthday’s mean a lot to me.

I wonder what my life would be like if I didn’t overthink every little thing. I guess I wouldn’t have anything to write on this blog then.

XX, thanks for listening.

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